distraction - 03/27/25

content warning: not very joyful and whimsy (suicide, self harm, rape, past ritual abuse.)

i will say here i am perfectly safe and not in current danger. i do not plan on going through with any suicide references that may be made in this post. you can go back here.

Some mahiro in these trying times..

hey, starlight here. alongside indianna in co front. so much for a first PROPER post since the whole thing.. (two months ago..?) theres no word to describe how life has been. i truly believe starting online school was the best decision ever made for us. it's our third high school. the first two we went through in about just over a year, before we became a NEET, which was a unique year or so..

thought i was experiencing a new problem, found this vent from exactly like a month ago, though.. so probably not? thoguh, shits gotten worse then that. atleast then id hang *out* with my friends. i cant think the last time i hung out with them. Like, trade offer- you get to leave the NEET life, get a education, meet nice people, but now your agoraphobia has come back horribly, and you're now (once again), a shut in! congrats..

like, whatever- i *like* being a shut in. i dont have to be outside, and better yet, i can still get an education, i dont live in a cult, and i dont have to be outside. I'm not missing shit, i cant imagine a single time ive enjoyed going somewhere. Whatever. We're not talking about that right now even. its the distraction. Our mental health and physical have been crumbling. We noticed it back in november last year, the peak of our NEET time. Those few months leading up to my birthday were so lonely. So distant, traumatizing, in fact, i'm finding it hard to just *remember*.

we were legally labelled as a danger to ourself, and was not allowed to be in a different room to an adult. its sort of the precedures for kids who's parents refused to send their child to a psych (aka, me..) that day was very long. i rememember cps, i remember a rope around my neck, and something about withdrawls. Whatever. I remember for the next few months waking up with bleeding wrists every day. i rememebr my mom crying on christmas eve to me in the carport, begging to me . Not this christmas, not this time, its been *two years*. Lola- youre better then this- Okay, cool.

You send me to online school. Look, how many probelms have gone away? Day one, no girls throwing pencils at me. No being raped in the bathroom at lunch. What's my little brain meant to do? Think about all the horrors i spent so long distracting myself from. Sure, 2024 me was being gangfucked in alleyways, but she had her amazing girlfriends- they were abusive, but i had bigger problems-- i had an education problem, and now i dont have an education problem. Did i ever process how abusive those relationships were? NO. The cult i spent 11 years in? Well, i had no time!

I'm like a neverending victim. What havent i been forced through? i get asked, wow, how do you do this-- you're the queen of joy and whimsy! Because i dont think about it. I distract my brain and keep myself entertained. It's gotten bad. I have such horrible memory problems. I'm forgetting names. This is just in the past week. I wake up sometimes and i just see her ontop of me. Shes not there, but i see her. I feel her hands on me. I cant remember my own brother's name

Bridget was awake with a crying Atlas the other night, whats a kid meant to do? Shove on cartoons.. it's midnight, whatevr, he'll be fine. Ill be fine. Just keep doing work. Just keep shoving projects in our face. Go write an essay. Go do some work, i have the freedom now, dont i?

Go worry abotj your brother, no, dont do that. you're no parent- you're making this about yourself- you're being very rude to me young woman-- SHUT THE FUCK UP DAD SHUT THE FUCK UP IM GOING TO SLIT YOUR NAME INTO MY WRISTS

I thought to myself, why dont i make some fun little pages on my site? When was the last time i had a teddy bear tea party? Meditated? Actually switched my brain off? Worst flashback of my fucking life. I cant lose direct stimulation for one minute before i'm seeing flashes of her naked and telling me to shush. Before rememebering how she hurt me. How Vic hurted me. How those girls hurted me, how Zoe hurt me, How Lowe hurt me, then they all blame it on Mallory? The poor thing kept getting called a faggot the other day by some other bitches, and like, clearly in a derogatory sense. She's just a Rose copy, YOU FUCKING SAY WHAT?? YOU SAY WHAT??

Consume consume consume. I might go hang myself. I'm so done.